On ways to deal with loss

Sometimes I wonder why 2011 is a year of so much loss and turmoil for me.

Fortunately, no one I love has died, so I don’t mean loss in that sense.  I mean loss in the less of losing two people from my life that meant so much to me for so many years, two of the people I was closest to. (One person I left and the other person violently, without warning ejected me from her life.) Lost ideas of how to construct a happy, full life for myself. Lost my comfortable home and my beautiful dog (I left my home and my dog.) Loss of a fantasy about a relationship that turned out to be a mirage. The loss of so much that I thought I knew about myself, so very, very much. I feel like my heart has shattered.

There are days (well, most days) that I wake up in my empty, beige summer sublet apartment and I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of the bed and face the aloneness. I often feel this almost vertiginous, floating feeling, like I’m not connected to anything on the Earth… like gravity isn’t going to hold me any more and I’m going to slip outside of the Earth’s atmosphere into vast, cold space.

A good friend of mine told me that, in those situations, I should do something grounding, like stitch, do 10 push-ups or masturbate; all three at the same time if possible! (He has a fabulously wicked sense of humor and approach to life.) But, despite the joke, there is truth in there.

So for now, all I can do to try to get through all of this loss, confusion and sadness is stitch and live in the moment. And I desperately cling to the belief (at times, this belief is just a flickering candle flame, barely staying lit at all) that all of these changes that I’m trying to make in my life are going to lead me to a new place, full of possibility and opportunity and, at least for a few moments, joy.

For now I stitch. Very slowly. But I stitch. 

I’m alive and stitching again!

So, I’ve been in the middle of some dramatic personal changes in my life that somehow don’t seem entirely appropriate for this blog, but I’m about being a honest person and an honest maker, so I’m going to share a few personal things.

In the last few months I’ve gone through some major changes.  I’ve moved out of my home and I’m living on my own for the first time ever in my life. I’m separated from my husband of many years. I’m trying to find my way in the world as an independent, single person. Parts of this are terrifying. Parts are thrilling. I realize that this is something that women do every single day, but to me it is a huge freaking deal. Throughout this time I’ve been really struggling with finding a place for my creativity in my life. My making and stitching and drawing have been minimal, but always there. I know that it is going to take a while for me to get this going again and it will come and go in fits and starts, but I’m happy to say that I’m working on two projects again. Finally!

The first is this embroidered pair of boxers for a friend of mine. The design is from an ancient Greek image of an octopus. I have big, totally playful intentions for this very personal piece. I love the idea of making something that is worn under the clothes. It may get a little racy.

 

The second is a self-portrait based on a series of photos that I took of my own naked back reclining in my new bed, on my new berry-colored sheets. After I tried many images, my darling friend Alex helped me photograph it more clearly than I could do with my tripod and self-timer. And my sweet friend Juline helped me pick out some good ground fabric. For now, I’m just posting about the gift for my friend, but I’ll soon blog about the new self-portrait I’m doing.

It feels amazing to be back stitching, drawing and creating again! Thank you SO MUCH to my friends, my parents and the amazing online community for being so supportive as I find my way in my new life!!

Yah!!

Turntable Embroidery on WhipUp.net. Woo-hoo!

Yes, I've been under a rock for the last several weeks. OK, not a rock, but I've been caught up in some dramatic personal issues. My stitching and creativity have been on the back burner as I deal with the storms.

Imagine my shock and pleasure in getting an email from my sweet (and incredibly talented) friend Juline tonight letting me know that my Turntable embroidery was featured in a mosaic photo collection on http://www.whipup.net/. (It is the very bottom right corner.)

That website has been such an amazing resource for me. I can't remember how I initially found the site, but I've go back to it all of the time for inspiration, great links, amazing tutorials and fabulous book reviews on all things crafty.

So, having my Turntable embroidery included in a flickr group photo montage is super meaningful and motivating to me.  When things settle down (hopefully by next weekend) it will be back to stitching and creating. I have the self-portrait embroidered piece picked out and ready to transfer to a ground fabric and stitch up. I can't wait!!

I also CAN NOT thank enough the generous folks who commented on my last post, encouraging me to work through my personal drama so that I can get back to stitching. You comments have meant so much to me as a I sort through (both figuratively and literally) all of my stuff to prepare for my next move. Thank you, fabulous community of crafters and artists, for providing this support in my darkest times. And thank you to Kath Red at Whip Up. net for including my recent work.  Now, back to stitching for me!

I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough

I've always loved that line from Dylan's "Tom Thumb Blues." For crazy, over-the-top inspiration, you just can't beat the town of my birth.

Hine Mizushima

To say I was overwhelmed by the Needle Felting Extravaganza at the Gallery Hanahou is an understatement.  I was utterly blown away by the needle felted creations of Hine Mizushima and Yoko Nomura.  I wandered around the little white gallery space for an hour, almost in tears, just absorbing their boundless imagination and the beauty of their alternate, woolly realities.

First up, Hine Mizushima's collection, "The Unnatural History Museum."  Several of the pieces were little, crazy treasures pinned in red boxes, like the curiosities of an obsessed Victoria gentleman. Ectoplasm in tubes, red ants and fanciful neurons. Doll girls displaying their organs with blissful little faces.

Hine Mizushima

Hine Mizushima

Hine Mizushima

Next, Yoko Nomura's, "Fractured Fairy Tales." Absurdly cute little bears and rabbits engaged in all manner of dark, fairy tale mayhem.  The contrast between their adorable faces and the weird activities they engaged it left me feeling wonderfully unbalanced.

Yoko Nomura

Yoko Nomura

Yoko Nomura

These look great on the screen, but to see them in person, to see behind the pieces, was like savoring the most decadent hot fudge sundae versus licking on a soft serve cone. Their talent and skill was like an actual energy field rippling through the gallery space.

Yoko Nomura

I'm a little adrift in my own creative and personal life right now.  A little unhinged, unable to land in a sunny spot and focus on anything.  This weekend I hope to spend some time refocusing and reconnecting to that tiny piece of myself that allows me to access a miniature aperture into the playful fields of these artists.

I will start very small and focus on a piece of myself, my ears, and do some thread-sketching.  Not in a narcissistic way, but in a (hopefully) grounding way. A tiny piece of a self-portrait.

As a treat, I purchased one of Hine Mizushima's tiny red ants!  I plan to keep this guy close to me as I find my way back.

Brooklyn Bound, baby!

I’m headed up to NYC , land of my birth, this weekend. Woot!  Going see old friends, including finally meeting Maeve, the little Irish princess that I made this sweater for.

The pattern is the Seamless Kimono Baby Sweater from Jackie Kelly at The Complete Fabrication.   

I found it on ravelry and I just love it.

While in NYC, I’m geeked to be seeing the Felter Skelter Needle Felting All Stars Show at the Gallery Hanahou.  

This show features the work of four needlefelting goddesses who I have long admired, Moxie, Hine Mizushima, Kit Lane and Yoku Nomura.  I own a few pieces by Yoku Nomura (aka feltmates), including this insanely cool panda brooch that I purchased her etsy shop.  I’d wear every day if I could.

I plan to roam, have cocktails, play with old friends and just enjoy myself.  For me that means looking for fabric for my Andy Warhol embroidery piece, seeking out lumnious fibers and threads, visiting the Japanese toy store and pursuing all things handmade. Hopefully I won't freeze to death, as I've become a bit thin-blooded from living in the warm South for so many years. (It was 83F/28C degrees in Durham, NC, today!) 

Looking forward to three days of doing whatever I want!

Yah!

Durham, You have been Gnomed!

Yesterday was Gnoming Day in Durham!

Over 120 Cork Gnomes hit the streets and parks of Durham, NC, yesterday, thanks the devious plotting and maniacal knitting of the Durham String Thing.

The little cuties found new homes in the toes of an enormous metal camel sculpture, nestled in the bells of beautiful spring tulips, cuddled up against an enormous houka pipe on Ninth Street, leaning against the gothic spirals of the Duke Chapel and hiding inside parking meters, among many other locations.  One even flew into the open car window of a passing car and was caught by a lucky, suspiciously festive young Durham man.

Updates of their adventures can be found at their official site http://corkgnome.tumblr.com/

For now, here is a fantastic composite created by the amazing Kay (a.k.a. “little red”) featuring the adventures of Katherine, Kay and myself as we found new homes for some of the little gnomes. Click on the image to see it better.

(I’m the dark haired one in black making a lot of crazy faces.)

Stitched Ode to Tom Waits by Giggly Mama

Oh, Tom, how I love you.  Just say the word and I’d recklessly fall onto the lawn with you, even though I am some else’s wife.

You’ve made dying your hair in the bathroom of a Texaco sound so beautiful.

I requested a custom order of this magenta embroidery of my great, broken love from the fantastically talented Giggly Mama and I could not adore the piece more!

Giggly Mama (whose real name is Shannon) is a stitching goddess.  I cannot believe the detail and expression she captured in satin stitch.  She has amazing skill and she stitched this with great speed. I requested the item from her etsy shop on Saturday and it made its way from California to NC by Wednesday.

I first came across her work in the Phat Quarter group on flickr. She is one of those people you meet online who you wish you could know in 3D.  She is so generous and supportive, in addition to being immensely talented. I’m still so new to embroidery and her encouragement has meant to world to me.   Seeing her beautiful embroidery in person only makes me admire her more.

Tom was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week.   Congratulations, my grave-voiced sugar man!  I'm not generally a swooning woman... but for you... I can't help myself.

“Hey little bird, fly away home

Your house is on fire; your children are alone

Hey little bird, fly away home

Your house is on fire; your children are alone

Schiffer broke a bottle on Morgan's head

And I've been stepping on the devil's tail

Across the stripes of full moon's head

Through the bars of a Cuban jail

Bloody fingers on a purple knife

A flamingo drinking from a cocktail glass

I'm on the lawn with someone else's wife

Come admire the view from up on top of the mast”

From “Jockey Full of Bourbon”
(Special thanks to Jessica W for the floating hands shot!)

Cork Gnomes to Invade Durham this weekend!

Tonight in the Independent Weekly Online, "Heaps of little creatures are prepping for debut, from bitty bunnies to budding bulbs and... lucky little cork gnomes, as the Indy staff has learned.

The news came in an "a-gnome-ymous" letter of Lilliputian proportion, attached to this little guy (or gal?). Locals will start spotting these little cuties beginning March 20, according to the message." Read the complete Indy piece here.

And don't forget to track their adventures at the newly created tumblr blog, Cork Gnome Home.

A little friend was just spotted in Seattle!!  Oh my!!

Andy Warhol drew me a heart

When I was very young, I met Andy Warhol and he drew me this picture.

I love how crooked the heart is!

My meeting with Warhol has some odd details, which I will write about another time.

Once I finish this pink biohazard pillow, my next stitching project is to embroider this Warhol message.  The search is on for good background fabric. I'm just not sure what I want... Any ideas are welcome!

Something Gnomish this way comes

Look out, Durham, NC! On March 20^th, an unholy army of cork gnomes will descend upon you! They will be hiding in secret places downtown, on Ninth Street and in other locations TBD.

Look at these murderous faces.

And if you’re lucky enough to stumble upon one and take it home… alas, I cannot say what will befall you. 

Brought to you by the devious fiberistas of Durham String Thing, of which I am a card-carrying member. 

My days have been consumed with knitting these Korknisse. To make my gnomes, I’ve modified the original pattern, found on raverly and designed by Manne. (An English version of the pattern, translated from the Norwegian by Saartje, can be found here: )

More details to come, gentle Durham.  Do not be afraid!

And now, a pink biohazard pillow, in progress

To me, the biohazard symbol is thing of great elegance.

How can something that warns us against such menace as medical waste be so lovely, with its graceful circles and arcs?  Oh, Dow Chemicals, you employed a talented designer back in the 1960s.  (I’m sure he smoked and drank scotch in his office to get through his days.)

I’m trying to stitch it up in pink on a simple quilted pillow top that I made in colors that cheer me. 

My first attempt to transfer the biohazard symbol onto the dark fabric center, using a white, washable transfer pencil on my light box, failed. I just couldn’t make out the image well enough to use it as a guide to stitch.

So I traced the image onto Sulky Solvy, and taped that onto the fabric. I’m stitching the outline through the Sulky Solvy, which isn’t as pleasant as stitching through fabric alone.

Stitching is a visceral experience for me and It just feels slightly naughty to force the needle through the plastic film… but it is kind of fun, too. I love the little pop sound that the Sulky Solvy makes with each stitch.  Delightfully strange, kind of like the biohazard symbol.

Astonished...

I am SO HONORED to have had my work featured in my TWO favorite embroidery blogs this week.  Astonished, actually.

Nicole, an AMAZING embroidery pattern designer and stitcher (whose own blog, Follow the White Bunny, is a huge source of inspiration) posted about my Turntable piece on the Feeling Stitchy blog on today!  I've bought Nicole's patterns from her etsy shop and they are just beautiful and, to me, have the quality of gorgeous children's books illustrations.

You can see the post here:
feeling stitchy: You spin me right round...: "...like a Woven Spider Wheel stitch, performed here beautifully by Olisa! Olisa made this awesome turntable embroidery for a recent Phat Q..."

And on Wednesday, Beefranck of Mr X Stitch fame posted a stitchgasm of my Little Hans embroidery on the Mr X Stitch blog!  Holy Frijole!

Mr X Stitch is the edgy wonderland of the embroidery arts blogosphere.  And Beefranck's fabulous cross stitch patterns turn traditional motifs on their heads with her dark wit and boundary-pushing messages.

You can see the link here:

Heartfelt thanks to Nicole and Beefranck for being so kind to me as I embark on my embroidery adventure. I'm HOOKED on stitching.  I think about it night and day. I'm so very grateful to them!!!

Turntable Embroidery Lands in New Zealand!

My turntable embroidery arrived safely to the warm and fabulous Jo in New Zealand.  Yippee!!

The Phat Quarter Music Swap (on flickr, sponsored by the Mr X Stitch blog) was a blast and I strongly encourage others to join in future swaps. This was my first time and I was just blown away by the gorgeous, creative pieces that the participants created.  Check out some of their work here. 

This piece was so much fun to stitch up. Inspired by The Record exhibition at the Nasher Museum (for which I recorded the audio guide), I sketched up several turntable and record designs in my sketch book.  Just doodles. 

However, I was insanely unrealistic about how long the piece would take to stitch. The finished piece is framed in a 9”x12” (23cm x 30 cm) frame. What the hell was I thinking?! For two whole weeks, I was stitching every night after work for a few hours and all day long on the weekend.  I’m not kidding.   

My neck and shoulders became mine fields of knots.  I developed freaky calluses on my finger tips.  I drank lots of booze in an effort to relax my muscles.  I listened to several hours of the “Stitching and Junk” pod cast from Mr X Stitch, which is hysterical and kind of rated R. Good times! 

But it was so worth it to make something for Jo.  She is such a good soul… so kind, so supportive and so creative.  It’s especially nice to make something when you know the recipient will really understand the work that went into it. 

And I really pushed myself, playing with color and stitches.  My favorite stitches have to be the woven spider wheel stitches that I used for the volume button and other buttons.  Jo said that they make her want to push the buttons! I want to make a whole piece of just these woven spider wheel stitches.   

And I really like the effect of the back stitch fill stitch on the record itself.  Although that is what took the longest to stitch. 

The back

OK, enough excitement here from me.  I’m a freaky geek! 

I'm an Oak - Stitch/sketch self portrait

I've dreamt many times about finding my face in hidden places.

Momentarily frozen in the desert sand or scraped into the paint of a peeling, city shack.

The most amazing and frightening dream was that I stumbled on an injured deer in a forest and she had my face.

My self portrait sketch became my face trapped in the bark of an oak.

I want to make more of these portraits with more careful stitching.  Stitching is such a slow process... it was fun and freeing to approach this piece as a sketch. I made large, looping split stitches to outline the bark.  I took a little more care with my face, but I didn't sweat each stab of the needle like I normally do.

But still, the process is slow.  To get more detail, color and shading for this image... that will take even more time.  I can document the deterioration of my face for the next 30 years.

This is exciting.

First attempt for thread sketches, self portrait

I'm making my first thread sketches for my self portrait based on the photo in my previous post. 

I've already learned so much.  The same aspects of my aging face that annoy me in my 3D life actually excite me in terms of drawing and stitching.  The nasal-labial folds, the little lines under my eyes, the small bump on the bridge of my nose and that weird little dimple in the middle of my chin... these things actually make my face more interesting.

I find myself thinking that, without these imperfections, I would actually kind of have a boring face!

This is just a sketch.  Using 2 strands of DMC black floss on light gray Kona Cotton (backed with white muslin.) Lots of details to add, still, in single strands of floss. Feeling oddly grateful for my little wrinkles.

I'm disappointed that it is so hard for me to blog during they work week.  By the time I get home it is so dark and, while I can work on stuff, it is hard to photograph.  As Spring comes and the day light lasts longer, I will hopefully overcome that.

In addition to the self portraiture, I'm hoping to start a Springtime Biohazard series.  Oh, when will I win the lottery!?

Self portrait sketches in pencil then stitch

Sent off my piece to New Zealand this morning for Jo from the Phat Quarter Music swap.  I've never worked so long and hard on a piece as I have on that one.  I just hope that Jo likes it.  I'll post photos once it arrives safely in New Zealand.

I've just been amazed by the awesome embroideries that have been exchanged in this swap.

Sigh...

Now I'm feeling a little adrift.  I want to try some embroidered self portraits.  Here is an image that I want to translate into stitch.  I'm just doing pencil sketches and next I'll do thread sketches.

This is fun.

On feeling demented... Phat Quater Swap piece nearly done

WOW, did I underestimate the amount of time and work this piece would take when I was designing it!

Chalk it up to being a newbie embroiderer. I've been stitching for hours and hours every day after work and all day yesterday and I'm nearly done.

No complaints here, though, because I've really pushed myself with this work, both in terms of the design and the stitches.

And I'm happy to be sending this off to Jo in New Zealand when I'm done.  As an embroiderer, I know she will appreciate all of the work I've put into this piece and the love I've snuck in with every stitch.

But I feel horribly guilty that I haven't sent it yet.  The other members of the Phat Quater Music Swap are sharing their photos of the amazing pieces they've received and I feel like a total slacker for being late.  (I was obviously clueless about how much time it would take.)  I'm having a blast, though!

But damn, right now I need another beer and a painkiller!

Deadline? Oops...

Despite my stitching until new and strange calluses form on my fingertips, I'm not going to make my deadline for the Phat Quarter Music Swap.  Boo-hoo!  I'll have to ship my piece off to New Zealand next week.  But my lateness isn't due to a lack of effort! I think I was just too ambitious in terms of the size and the amount of stitching this was going to take.

But I'm really happy with how it is turning out.  It will be hard to give this up because it is my most involved embroidered piece so far. 

I'm so in love with stitching.

New Turntable Embroidery Spins s l o w l y

Spoiler Alert for my swap mate Jo: Don't read any further!!

Making s l o w progress on my embroidery for Phat Quarter Music Swap sponsored by Mr X Stitch.  I chose a turntable because, as I blogged a few weeks ago, Rico and I have rediscovered the fabulousness of vinyl, thanks to The Record exhibition at The Nasher.  Thanks to Rico for taking these shots in the terrible winter light.

This design is based on various sketches I did of turntables.  My deadline to ship this to New Zealand is Jan 31st and I'm having to hustle to get it done. Stitching every night until my fingers are bloody and raw.

OK, that is a slight exaggeration.  But I'm stitching a lot, especially the back stitch fill of the record itself.  Trying to suggest the grooves of the vinyl, but we'll see how this turns out.

I really like the colors!  Black, red and two shades of gray which have fantastic names: Very Dark Beaver Gray and Very Light Beaver Gray.  The ground fabric is Kona Cotton in Cactus and, allowing myself to sink into true embroidery geekery, I'm using a Number 5 embroidery needle.  (I think I've finally found the perfect embroidery needle for me!)

I just had to share my absolute favorite flickr comment that Taff1973 left about the hazard sign on my Do Not Enter embroidery.  "I'm a departmental safety coordinator at my labs and once, a newbie said it meant 'No big hands!!'. I think I giggled for a week...."  I was just as confused about the image when I first saw it, too!  I was like, what the hell is this big hand??  And why isn't it allowed?!

Back to stitching... or I'll never get this sent off on time!

Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

So says Dr. Nick Riviera.

This is a piece that I stitched up about 6 months ago but never got around to stretching.  I stitched it on a single layer of Kona Cotton.

I can see so much more puckering and pulling in the piece, especially with the heavy long and short fill stitch in the flame.

I can see improvement in my more recent stitching. I put a lot into this piece, though, and I learned a lot.

It is a process, learning to stitch.  That's really all I can ask for.  Feeling oddly blah today.  Got to take it stitch by stitch.  Maybe I should watch some Simpsons and gather some more wisdom from Dr. Nick and his Upstairs Hollywood Medical School training!

Luna likes it. My sweet little high contrast puppy!